The Firefly Journals

Book 2, chapter 2, first page

2006-06-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

Why is everything so complicated? Is it okay to stay with someone who acts like they dont give a shit about you until someone better comes along? I think so. Is it okay to cheat on someone who you love but who doesnt know/care to treat you right? Maybe...Maybe.

Why not just leave him?

I wish men would understand that there is only so much that a girl can take. You might be able to get away with bullshitting a girl once, but the second time you do it, you shouldnt be suprised if she drops you cold turkey. she'll be off to fabulousness and you'll be off to wallow alone in your chinese food.

Crab Rangoons anyone?....... Just one more day, it will be over before you are even finished.

What Lips my Lips have Kissed

2006-05-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

Yea, Adam and I are back together. Its kind of weird because I am really not one for back stepping but, we'll see how this goes.

He was kind of offended when he saw my last blog because he doesnt really think it does our relationship justice. Looking over it, it does appear that we had a very unhappy relationship...we didnt. Like all romantic relationships, ours had its ups and downs. Now that we are back together it still does. In case I did not make it clear the first time; the last blog is about what I learned from all three relationships. I haven't specified which guy I learned each from because I think it would distract from what the blog is actually about (me, what I learned) and made it about the specific guy.

I hope you guys find it funny. Looking over it, all I can do is laugh, though its been painful sometimes it also been great learning these things. Bullshit aside, all of these experiences have made me a stronger, more confident person.

I've learned a lot of life lessons lately too. Mainly I've been trying to figure out what I want out of my relationship with Adam. On a philisophical level, I think people get into romantic relationships because they have strong emotions for the other person or they are searching for something and they believe they've found this something in the other person. As for my feelings for Adam I think its a little bit of both.

Earlier today I was in his room and he had his arms around me. When his roomate walked in he quickly removed them and placed them on my shoulders. Why did you do that? I asked. "I don't know" he replied. Small smirk on his face. He did know. For a second I felt like I was in junior high, a juvenile boyfriend taking his hands away, embarassed to show that kind of emotion in front of his friend. I was tempted to ask why he even bothered ask me out if he was ashamed of his feelings for me, but I didnt want to fight, so I kept quiet.

I walked home wondering where was the girl who dumped confused boys at the drop of a hat. No explainations, no turning back.

Good Reason

2006-05-20T09:35:00.000-07:00

What I've learned from 3 break ups in 10 months.

1.) If a guy lies to you about something small, dump him the second you find out-- it will only lead to bigger lies.

2.)DO NOT say "yes" to dating a guy you dont find attractive just because you think he's a nice guy, you'll probably end up trying to make him change to look better and this is not fair to him because he has a right to be who he is.

3.)Nerds, Geeks, and Guys who aren't as cute as you are NOT nicer than guys who are as cute as you. Men are men; they all do the same basic shit. Say NO to them and YES to the cute guys (at least you'll have some eye candy around this way).

4.) If a guy cannot kiss, you will NOT be able to teach him how to kiss.

5.)If you relationship feels too good to be true, it is.

6.)If a guy wants you to meet his parents within the first month of dating say NO

7.) Don't let any man spend every minute of his time with you, if you dump him, he will tell his friends that you forced him to be with you all the time.

8.)If a guy tells you that he "can't imagine not being without you" he is eiether lying or a psycho who will threaten to kick your ass when you finally dump him.

9.) If a guy only wants to see you when it's convenient for him, you should dump him as soon as you see the patern.

10.) If all your friends and family dont like your man, take their advice...Everybody can't be wrong.

11.) Dont get left holding the short end of the stick

12.) If a guy acts like he's doing you a favor by dating you, Please, Please, leave his ass the instant you realise it-- if only to prove that you don't need him

13.) Don't date people who live with your friends.

14.) **** **** ***** ************ I've decided that this one is too mean to publish, ask me about it

15.) Do NOT date guys with controling mothers. You WILL end up dating the mom.

16.) If a guy looks at another girl sexually while you are present, DUMP HIM ON THE SPOT.

17.)If he doesnt walk you home late at night because he wants to hang with his friends, yell FUCK YOU and leave him (for good)

18.) Do not let a guy (or anyone) change who are as a person

19.) If you are hesitant to tell your mom about him, he is not for you.

20.) If someone you are dating starts avoiding you, don't even bother finding out whats up, three days is the rule. After this assume its over and move on.

21.) Don't continue to date someone who refuses to argue about issues that are important to the both of you.

22.) If a guy tells you he has a REALLY big penis and you find out he has a small one, end it. This is symptomatic of sooo many other things.

The L Word

2006-03-19T21:22:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you all know by now that I'm dating Adam Schmidt ( I know, I know, please ignore the name, dont worry, he's nothing like the last Adam). Things have been going really well, I mean really well. I'm almost frightened to write this blog because i've come to understand that sometimes when people find out that you're happy; they'll do anything to destroy what they see within you. None the less, I cannot bite my tongue any longer; lets start from the beginning.

I cant remember the exact day, but shortly after I dumped Mr. Nader, Adam and I started to become friends. He was sort of dating someone else and I had decided that I would swear off men for a while. Its kind of weird because I cannot remember exactly where this period ended, and he and I began. The closest I can come to is when he said to me "I like you". It just hung in the air for a while, niether of us knowing what to do with the information. Then we started hanging out a lot and yadda, yadda, yadda, we became a couple.

Weeks later lying in bed at 3 am together, Adam turns to me and says "How do you feel about the L word?"

"what?" I say in response "do you mean Lesbian"

Notes from a "Drama Queen"

2006-02-12T15:47:00.000-08:00

I love my life. I have amazing friends and a beautiful family. I generally think my judgement is good, but there are times that I have slipped up . As you all know, my lastest slip up was Adam Nader. He's not something that I sit a home thinking about, but earlier today I was looking through my space journals and saw that he wrote a blog (if you wanna see it, look him up on my space, or he has a link on his facebook page) in which he charectorized me as an something to the effect of "attention seeking, bad mouthing, drama queen". Now, you guys know me, so I wont even waste timed desputing these claims. I just wanted you guys to know that you should check out his blog from time to time so you can really understand what psychotic assholes are in the world, and try and figure out a way to watch out for them. God knows I wish I spoke to Adam's ex before I got involved with him.

Oh yea, guys, I kinda have something with a new guy :-) I dont want to jinx it, so I wont tell you who just yet, but just know that he's really sweet and awesome...we spent the whole day yesterday and last night together. It goes without saying that while Mr. Nader is spending V-Day with his lubricated hand I will be spending it with a sweetie.

Let it go.

Total Honesty

2006-02-03T23:53:00.000-08:00

If you ask me on any rational day, i'll deny that i've ever been hurt by anyone.

Today is one of those days.

A women of my word, I looked to find all my promised points about Adam, but the gods have temporatily ruled in his favor because I cannot find them.

Enough about an Asshole. Today was a good day despite the note that prado gave me in Spanish. I'm in love with everything, its amazing. Someone once told me that the best revenge was learning to live well, I discounted at the time, but some how ended up using it as a life philosophy.

I love my readers, thanks for reading. I'm off to dance around my room in my underwear, then orgasm, then bed

Low down, good for nothing, mistake making fool

2006-01-29T23:46:00.000-08:00

Adam is an asshole. This blog is not big enough and I dont have the energy to explain what a fucker he is. Tommorow I am going to republish my original list of things I learned from being his girlfriend. on the day that I published it, he called me at some ungodly hour and bitched me out about "how messed up it was for me to tell people about his behavior" . "Libel" he said. "Adam" I asked, "You werent embarassed when you were doing these things to me why are you upset now that you see them written down?"

He said "I dont want the world to know"

I feel like I am going to vomit. John FUCKING G. just just repeated parts of My sexual life with Adam back to me. This disurbs me on several levels:

Level 1: Adam Promised he wouldnt tell anyone (especially not) JOHN G*** "I would not do that to you" he said

Level2: Have you fucking seen John G***?

Leval3: I cannot believe I let this prick touch me

Level 4: I cannot believe that at one point I really care about/wanted (to be with) him

Level 5: I hate that this guy has seen me naked; I feel so violated, how dare he share my private information with that dirty guy

Leval6: I understand that guys will be guys and they talk with their friends about their girlfriends ( I mean come on, I talked to my friends about adam when I was with him) but for godsake, at least be smart enough to tell someone who is not going to repeat that shit back to your (ex) girl friend. plus, a promise is a promise.

It does matter

2006-01-27T19:19:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, my ex-best friend and I used to hypotheticaly kill people. I'd say to him "If you were stuck in a cage with (name of someone we knew), a tiger, and (name of someone we knew) and had to feed one of us to the tiger to survive, who'd you kill?". He'd ask me too. Every day for hours we'd play this game. The only rule of the game was that you had to choose. He'd ask me too, and I had to decide. We swore each other to secrecy. Sometimes it'd get really tricky when two people who I loved were in the cage with me. I had to choose. Our game came to a halt one day when asked him, and put myself in the cage with this girl he thought was cute. He was silent. I couldnt believe it, he would have killed me. "I hate you" I said. "It doesnt matter", he told me, trying to calm me down "we will never be in that situation anyway"

I was just thinking

2006-01-26T21:32:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking about the day that you and I walked into The Pleasure Chest. God, those were some good times. We were so stupid, so very stupid, and so naive. Little did we know what difference a year would make, how corrupted our innocent minds would be. What I would give to have the time and energy to worry about what other people think of me again. Those days are gone though. That one day on the telephone when we ended it, the entire world stopped for just a second, and we didnt notice. I know that it happened because of how shaky my head was when I hung up the phone. I thought to myself "maybe I can call back, and we can pretend that things weren't changing. "Of course I didnt though. The world doesn't work like the movies.

Mentira

2006-01-19T20:34:00.000-08:00

I cried myself to sleep last night. I am not unhappy or anything, its just that sometimes when I remember times that I've had in the past I am so overwhelmed with emotion that there is nothing else I can do but cry.Last night I couldnt stop thinking about Richard. Its been over a year since I've seen him, but inside I feel like I saw him yesterday. He's the first and only guy I knew that understood what I wanted.

The first time I came to see him it was very ackward for me. The memories are so clear. I was wearing a small black t-shirt with medium dark blue jeans and my multicolor sneakers. Everything in his house smelled like downy fabric softener. I sat a safe distance from him on the futon in his bedroom watching television while talking to him. In mid sentence he leaned over and kissed me. I ended up on top of him in a cowgirl like position. As if it was cheoreographed I lifted my arms and he removed my shirt. In less than two seconds he had my bra off. I was so nervous that I leaned into him so that he couldnt see my breasts, no male had ever seen any part of me naked. He laughed so hard as he seperated me from him, and looked at me as though he had never seen a girl topless before. Looking directely at my eyes as he put one in his mouth he said "they're pretty".

Every guy from this point on was compared to him.

Otra Noche

2006-01-15T12:03:00.000-08:00

I cleaned out my closet last night for the second time this week. I shamefully found myself with nothing else better to do. My plan was to go to bed early because I woke up at 7:30 everyday last week and I had a late night on friday. Instead I ended up watching the conservative analysis of every president of the United States since Washington on the History channel. My friend for NYC called me and I put my phone on silent. A "depression hurts" commercial kept on running with an image of a women lying on a couch watching television. "Am I depressed?" I wondered. My friend from New York called again. This time I Picked up "Am I depressed?" I asked her, without missing a beat she said "no, you just need a project; how about another guy?"

I can almost see her wince as I scream NO into the phone before hanging up.

El Fin

2006-01-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

I broke up with Adam last night. After debating over how to do it for two weeks I finally took the plunge. I can honestly say that I felt so much better after the deed was done. Before I went to bed last night I tried to write down a few things that I learned from our relationship.

If any one wants to know what they are just let know. I'll be happy to dish it out.

I should write a book on relationships.

Palabras

2006-01-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

A lot's happened since I last wrote.

1.)Adam and I ended up together; at this moment in time we still are.

2.) I had a REAL ORGASM

3.) I turned Jermaine down (Something I thought I would never do)

I love you guys. My writers block will subside, I promise.

I wish you were here

2005-11-08T20:46:00.000-08:00

Have you ever done something so incredibly stupid that you wanted to smack yourself?

This imagery may sound humerous, but I guarentee that if you've ever done anything to this degree of stupidity, you understand that its not funny at all.

The last thing that I did that was this stupid happened three years ago. As soon as I turned 16 Jennifer Ferreria and I were caught by undercover NYPD officers, guzzling Smirnoff, on some random street corner in Queens. When the police approatched us, I nearly pissed in my pants; Jennifer dropped her bottle. We were all dressed up to go clubbing and everything, it was awful. A crowd formed around us watching the action. The police took our contraband and wrote us both summons' to appear in court, then they drove away in an unmarked car. They werent even down the block when Jen, was asked "You wanna smoke?"... I didnt. We were so drunk. We partied all night. The only thing I remember about that night is giving a lap dance to a strange guy while watching Jen got fingered by one of his friends. We got home at 7 am the next day. We lay down to sleep in the same bed. By that time, I had begun to sober up.

I cried myself to sleep quietly while Jen softly snored. If you know what kind of person I was in High School, you understand why me having to go to court would be such a scandal. As I fell asleep, I wished that there was a way that I could get a second chance.

When I took the subway home the next day, I took out the summons to find out the date I would have to appear in court.

All the information on it was wrong.

To this day in NYC there is a warrant out for the arrest of Andrea Bailey for not appearing in court in the fall of 2002.

Stupid Biatch

2005-10-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks since Kris and I broke up. The last thing I heard him say to me was that he was going to hurt me if he saw when I got back to New York. "The least you can expect to recieve", he said "is a slap in the face". At that moment, when I heard him screaming at me through the phone I told myself that I would swear off men for a while.

As usual, things did not go as I planned.

This time though, its good that they didnt.

Last year, I had a crush on Adam Nader. I had no idea that he even exsisted until I saw him studying with Hanit one day. "Hanit" I'd Said "introduce me to your friend, he's so cute". Hanit, I think said some thing like "Very good, I'm not introducing you to him though, you like everybody". Its true. I did have a serious of one week crushs last year, but that was only during winter term where there is nothing else to do at Knox if you're single except crush over the limited male population. I probally told Hanit to screw himself or something like that and then I proceeded to do my own introduction.

Adam's one of those people who you always like being around, but when you're around them you worry that you are going to somehow offend them, not because they are easily offendable, but because they're sweet and quiet, and sweet and quiet people seem fragile(No matter how sturdy they actually may be). I've been hanging out with him a lot lately, and thankfully, he's finally talking.

I told one of my friends in NYC ( Tashika: the most ghetto girl I know) about Adam and all she could say was " What, you like this guy? Damn, Girl, you move fast. I hope things work out for you and that you're not just being a stupid biatch"

"Yea", I said "I hope so too".

More reason to kill her

2005-10-03T07:29:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend told me yesterday that my sister showed him semi nude pictures of herself. I flipped out on him, "What did you say to her?" I asked"Nothing, I didn't know what to say...I knew what she was doing".

We had an hour long argument about this.

"Why didnt you asked her why she was showing them to you?"I asked

"Well I didnt want to play a game with her" he said "I know that she's a pirahna disguised as a play thing"

I know that its not his fault because he had no way of knowing, when she offered to show him pictures, what they would look like, but I wanted to blame him anyway.

Love Equals Wanting to Kill the Bitch

2005-09-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember my sister has attempted to compete with me at everything. When I was younger I was flattered by it, but in the last five years all her attempts have done is piss me off.

Earlier today my mom called to tell me that my sister got a job at Bed Bath and Beyond. The same Bed, Bath and Beyond that I worked at this summer, the same one that I will work for over winter break. Since you guys havent lived with the demon (that is my sister) for your entire lives like I have I doubt that you will understand how passive aggressive this is.

When my mom first told me I cried.

You guys dont know this but the Jermaine thing ended a few weeks ago (we're still friends), I'm seeing this other guy named Kris who is really sweet and hot (Native American and Dominican 32 year old with an 8 year old son...I'll explain in another blog). Both Jermaine and Kris work at Bed, Bath and Beyond. If it wasnt weird enough with them working together now my narcisistic, attempted thunderstealer, bitchy, neurotic sister is coming into the mix with the cloud of drama that follows her everywhere.

She's touched everything else that I have done. When I started working at Bed, Bath and Beyond I thought that finally I had something that I could call my own, but no, she had to touch that too.

When the tears dried I wanted to kill the bitch

That's it

2005-08-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

Jermaine and I just had a HUGE fight. I'm converting to Lesbianism.

The New Guy

2005-08-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while because I am in love (Kind of).

I kind of had a a mental breakdown a few weeks ago when I had an epiphany that bought about the realisation that I had never kissed a black guy. I litterally ran to my therapists' office and demanded that we chat ASAP.

Our conversation went something like this:

her: but you're not a complete genotypical African American

Me: Doesnt the one drop rule apply in America

her: wasnt your father white

me:NO

Her: was he a passer?

me:NO

her: why do you feel you have to have a romantic relationship with a black guy?

This went on for an hour with me eventually confessing that I was worried about having self hate issues. we ended the meeting with her convincing me that I was "okay" because all except one of the people who I have kissed in my life have been brown.

A week later I met Jermaine. he is awesome!OMG he deserves his own blog, so I'll write about him another day. Just know that I am out of touch because I spend a lot of my time with him

It's Official

2005-07-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

I just got back for Victoria Secret. Pigs have flown; I'm "between a 34 C and D". For the next 3 months I will be standing topless in front of my mirror looking at myself (so dont waste time looking for me anywhere else).

Micheal

2005-07-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

I met micheal when I was coming home from work one day. It was 11:00 at night and I was walking along the side of the street opposite central park. He was driving downtown and I was walking uptown- "Hey" he said, and I quickened my step. He backed his car up. "Please stop" he yell with an urgency that I had not heard in a long time. I consider it and with good judgement continue to walk faster. After three blocks of my walk/running and his backwards driving he jumps out of his car which I realise for the first time is a black Escalade-- As I run towards one of the doormen for the buildings that align the street he shouts "You were walking earlier today at 65th and columbus avenue". I stop feeling for my keys and wallet. "No", he says, "you didn't drop anything, I just thought you were pretty and wanted to talk to you but you were walking so fast. I thought I'd never see you again and here you came walking down central park west...It must be fate". I laugh.
After he makes a few more wizecracks I agree to give him my number.

The week before meeting him I'd confessed to my grandmother that I was slightly depressed because I couldn't find a boyfriend "Chile," She said " I had no idea you were looking, you seem so happy being single"
"I am usually" I told her "but it seems like everyone in New York is holding hands with someone else-- I guess I feel left out"
"Well" She says "If you want a boyfriend your going to have to learn to be more forgiving-you're so hard on people"
"I know Grandma" I tell her sighing "I know"

Micheal called me the next day. I didnt pick up because I had no idea what to say to him.
I listened to his message instead
"Angela please get back to me because I'd love to converse with you. Ciao, Micheal"
I firmly believe that "ciao" is a word that shouldn't be spoken outside of italy. If he was writing me a note ciao would have been fine but hearing him say the word made him sound smug. As I delete his number I wonder if "conversing" is what they call it nowadays.

The End of Something

2005-06-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

My last days at Knox this year where amazing (to say the least). I'm not going to talk about my second to last night right now save to say that the best times that I have ever had have been when I do things that I never thought I'd do, with people I never thought I'd do them with, in places where I'm not supposed to be... I'm still thinking about it, so just know that it was great (wink, wink).

My last night there was bizarre. Sukhi, Sonali and I had a much needed ranting session. I don't really remember when or how it started but Sukhi and I ended up screaming our lungs out at each other while Sonali, always proper, carefully pronounced each syllable of her point of view in her calm doll voice. Though I did not exactly think so at the time, our argument was hilarious, and at the end of it we were all smiling, so its all good.

NYC seems so surreal now that I'm back, I feel almost as though I don't belong.

Days like these

2005-05-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

I much as I hate to admit it, I have to concede that I think about ------ everyday now (those of you who read my earlier journals- in there origional form know who I am talking about). Everything reminds me of him. I am even questioning my decision....I never do this, usually I think things through before doing them, as I thought this out too, I dont know, I hate being unsure and that's all I feel right now.

I am two steps away from calling him and telling him that I've changed my mind. Doubtless he'll be waiting (regardless of whether he has anyone or not), thats just how he is.

Intangible Reveries

2005-04-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school people would always tell me that the years that I was experiencing then would be the best years of my life. Back then, I thought that everything sucked and resented this kind of declaration. Instead of enjoying the moments, I begrudged every last one of them and before I knew it, they were gone.

There were so many stupid things that I did back then; hitchhiking, taking beer from strange men at rockaway beach, sticking flyers out the window of the #1 train so that it would smack the faces of busy New Yorkers who stood too close to the platform edge.

The meaning of life equals 48

2005-04-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, something happens in your life that changes how you think. I dont know exactly what it was for me, but last week, something in me snapped and I started to see things differently.

I started to wonder what I was doing here, at Knox, talking to people who I have nothing in common with, doing things that mean nothing, talking about things that are completely meaningless, not learning anything, day after day after day. I feel like such a fool for not asking myself what I was doing before.

If the truth is, as I now feel, that everything I am doing here is pointless then truth be told, I am paying a whole lot of fucking money for nothing.

God is Air

2005-04-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I always used to wonder what I would do if one of my parents died. I thought about what I would do so much that I sometimes wished that they would die. Its not like I hated them or anything; its just that not knowing was killing me.

Last night while I was puking my brains out from too much alcohol consumption my father was having a heart attack and died.

I don't even feel sad. I don't know why, but I cannot... I just dont have it in me to cry for him. If there is anyone who should not have been a father, it was him. He spent his entire life trying to buy my love with things...looking back, I only remember him hugging me once.

My mother (who by the way does not know how to love eiether), who never calls me, called just to say that I'd "better be flying home for the funeral" or i was going to be "cut off from 'the family' "

I told her to mail me a ticket.

The sky is falling

2005-04-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

I hate today already. Its just begun, and I can already tell how fucked up its going to be. I hate this entire week, the weekend is coming but I can already tell that this weekend will be an extension of the entire week (just like every other weekend here). I miss NYC more than anything else. I could just scream when I think of the countless times that I complained about the crowds and the smog. I miss everything, even the fucking tourists.

Remembering Mr.Roger's

2005-04-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have removed my tongue ring. I've been thinking about removing it for the past month and last night I decided yes, this was a good idea. After 3 1/2 years of getting gum stuck on the tip of the barbell while blowing bubbles, and explaining the painless piercing process to everyone who has seen it, I feel like a new person, my mother would be proud.

What's next I wonder? The removal of my navel ring? (yea right)

.

Why I hate ice cream sandwiches

2005-04-03T16:26:00.003-07:00

I talked to my sister for a bit today, I like hearing from her but her neverending drama gets old. "Theresa", I ask on a constant basis "why do you think these things happen to you?" she always says that she does not know why and I believe her because I don't know why eiether.

Letting----kiss me reminded me of dancing bachata all night long last summer--wishing it was over and at the same time wanting the moment to go on forever.

What is it with me in these guys?!?! I swear, I have a sign painted on my back that is only visible to men that says "I WANT A WEIRDO"

This day last year

2005-03-31T17:23:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. I woke up 20 minutes before my first class with just enough time to throw clothing on, get a cup on tea and brush my teeth. I arrived at class on time, looking like shit. I excused myself halfway through and Prof. Leahy shouted as I was leaving "Are you leaving because you are bored?" The class of course snickered, and I cried in the stairwell for 10 minutes. I hate Leahy.

I missed Richard today. It was weird because I havent missed him in a while. This day last year
we went to Cosi in Greenwhich Village and ate chicken ceasar salads. He wrinkled his nose when I asked for slit grapes in mine and laughed when I requested to try four different salad dressings before deciding on one. Later that day we kissed for hours in the library's fire escape, scared to death that someone would catch us doing something we knew we were not supposed to be doing when we were scheduled to be working. "Let's leave", I remember saying to him several times. "Por favor estancia con mi" he'd say.

Although it is not that cold today, I stopped at Crackpot's for a small cup of Peppermint tea.

I burned my tongue with the first sip.

This day, today, was a strange day.